Some amazing facts from Jail

The last few weeks have been amazing. So amazing in fact that I thought I need to write a quick blog entry

* Picked up one of our juvies right at the gate when he got released. We are now in the process of pairing him with a mentor to help him navigate through life successfully (BEST. MOMENT. EVER to see him come out, recognize us and see the big smile on his face)

* At one of our locations the inmates have yard time during the summer every other week. My program starts at 6:30. The yard time starts at 7. You could think that 30 minutes cut in the program would really suck, but..... Since there are only 8 of them I spent the other 30 minutes last week shooting hoops with some of them and being able to just hang out. So even though our program is only 30 minutes long, I value the time I get to spend with them outside. So I'm a happy camper (who needs to really work on my Basketball Skills)

* Just a couple weeks ago we talked with the juvies about value and the question in the room was: Why do you matter to God? Their answers were awesome: We matter to God because He created us. And our prayers matter to God as well..
On the matter of prayer we then found out that these guys get together in a prayer circle before they get locked up for the night. A week later I actually saw the prayer circle and heard them pray for each other that night. (By the way, I never suggested a prayer circle! This was their initiative! I always just encourage them to apply their faith NOW!)


In numbers:

• At Jail we have 100% turn out to the program with 2 regular volunteers. 
• At prison we have 70-80% turn out of the target population (under 18 years of age) with one regular volunteer
• We are mentoring 3 kids and 2 parents right now. All of those kids are going through the court system right now. 

The more we work with youth and the court system we realize that there are LOTS of things we have to be aware of. The amount of waivers our parents and youths have to sign is insane, but it keeps it safe for us all.

I'm also very picky in the selection of my volunteers, which is the reason that you don't see crazy numbers... :)

Even though these are small beginnings, I think we are creating a solid base and (prayerfully) youths that will KNOW that God is there for them; no matter what they've done or where they've been.

So thankful to be part of this ministry that is presenting radical grace and Jesus to these kids.

Men's prison... For the first time.

In September 2011 I joined God Behind Bars with the plan to reach youth for God. It's a very general plan, but since I had never worked in prisons before it was probably a good thing it was so general.

We are talking youth in prison or youth who have a parent in prison and need a little help staying out (statistically they are 84% more likely to end up in 'the system' themselves)

So I worked towards that goal:
* Once a month I joined another group that already goes into a youth prison
* Once a week I go to a youth court and offer services as a mentor for youth that is in trouble.
* And once a week I share the God Behind Bars youth version at the jail, hanging with 16 and 17 year old's

Those youths in the jail are being treated as adults before the law and some of them will be sentenced to prison.

Since the beginning of December now I am able to 'follow' these youths to prison and continue to share with them about Jesus! It's one of the most exciting things ever!

In jail they have nothing to do and are quite happy to come to my program. But in prison this 'church thing' is part of their free time. And so far I still had more than half the unit show up to our program every week!

Would you pray with me...?

* Some of the youths in jail and also in prison are only there for a short time. I keep on telling them to find me at church, but they are unsure of church and other Christians. Pray that they come and we can help them on the outside.

* Some of them want to help their families. But they have some really crappy ideas that will get them right back into jail. Pray that they can find a legal job!

* The most repeated question I get is 'Can Jesus fix murder'. And while I have the best answer ever, it takes a while for that truth to settle. Pray for them to find Christ and be radically changed on the inside

* And a prayer request for myself: I need lots of prayer, clarity and strength! I love what I do, but you can never relax when you're inside. Also, a practical request: The prison is outside town and adds 100 miles weekly. That's a bunch more on my car, but also my gas money budget. Pray that God would provide for me!! :)

It's not your fault...

It's not your fault. 

But it is your problem. 

Let me explain:
You are booked on a flight. The flight gets cancelled due to mechanical issues with the plane.

It's not your fault. But it's still your problem. 

Now translate that into the life of an 'average' student here in Las Vegas. Let's just look at ONE aspect of their life. Are you ready?

Parents are split up. 

What's the big deal? Well, let's look at that situation (which is NOT AT ALL their fault, and yet it is still their problem.

These students often have to deal with moving twice every week to a different house and neighborhood.  

They have to deal with 2 completely different set of rules in each house. Most likely one is more relaxed than the other. 

They also have to pretend that these aspects of their lives are fine. If they don't, they run the chance of losing whatever contact they had with one parent.  

They have to deal with the fact that most likely the parents are not able to hide their anger and disgust with each other well. 

I reckon that these students have to deal with a lot. And yet, none of this is actually their fault. 

So it comes with no surprise to me that some students are not that good at dealing with all those issues.

While we can't fix all the problems in the world, we could do well in helping students understand that there are things in their lives that are not their fault and then help them navigate through their problems.

It just means we are there for them. 

We do life together. 

We encourage them when things are hard 

and cheer for them when things go well. 

In the words of a famous show manufacturer: Just do it!

Inspired

I am blown away by people who care for and love students. 

There are those that care for and love students by volunteering their time (energy) at youth groups, Boys and Girls Clubs and all kinds of things. These people are amazing. They want to hang out; pass on and just give to students who are still in the process of navigating life. 

Then there are those that care for and love students by *volunteering* their entire life. That's called Foster Care these days. I know a bunch of people who do this and it takes a lot of commitment. It's about finding the balance between being a parent (that you're not) and being a friend (that you shouldn't be). 

Can you see the potential awesomeness if you mix and match the two? Can you see that ALL students would benefit from having some kind of non parental mentor person in their life. Not a friend and not a parent. 

And every student would benefit from living in a stable environment with loving guidelines and disciplines and some sort of structure. 

It's not that one is better than another. It's about actually doing it! Just taking the time and caring for someone who hasn't yet learned how to ask for help. 

In the end it's all about giving back in the area that you're most passionate about. It's always about giving back...

And yes, I totally googled awkward family photos. :)

Conversations in Jail...

I haven't blogged in a while.

But of course I've been around my juvies. Remember them? Yep, some of them are still on the inside. And since the last time you heard from me we also had some new additions.

Over the last few weeks this is what's been going on:

One of them keeps on complaining that he feels bad now when he does something wrong. He's never had that before and it bugs him. (I tried to explain to him that this is one of the first ways that God speaks to us. He's still chewing on that)

Most of them have a hard time understanding that God really cares and loves them. They've been bad for so long that they truly believe that there is no hope for them. This is one of the saddest statements I have ever heard.

We talk a lot about church and if they would ever fit in. Most of them think that they will stick out like a sore thumb at church and every one will look at them. They are concerned about what to wear and if they can actually wear their usual attire (some of which would be associated with gang colors). 

These conversations help me understand how hard it is for someone to come to church and this also helps me to be aware of how much I judge at times. How cool would the world be, if these kids would just have to deal with their own insecurities about coming to church, rather than having to deal with the very real reality that people at church are going to judge them. 

(We don't like to admit that, but let's be real here: We all do!)

They have major questions about faith, God, Jesus, the Bible and dinosaurs. More questions than I will ever be able to answer. So I am talking with some friends who will help answer some of these. Even though I am not the right person to address most of these questions, it fires me up, that they have these questions in the first place. Stuff is moving along. 

Sometimes you hear stuff you don't want to hear. Like when they have court and feel like cussing out the judge was actually a good idea. Or when they feel like the whole world is against them just because of the color of their skin. Or when you meet one of the guys... AGAIN. (after he had been released). 

My prayer: 

I'm asking God to continue to show 

His love and His grace to these kids. 

I am praying for their unit to be known 

for kindness and respect in the whole prison. 

Please join me in that prayer. And if you know stuff about the dinosaurs and God, please let me know! :)

Conversation in Jail: Poof and gone...

A while ago I walked into my usual Juvie session and noticed that 2 of my regulars were not there. So I asked where they were, kind of expecting an answer about them being in trouble and not allowed to come.

The answer I got though was different: 'They had their sentencing and have been sent to prison.'

That statement still rocks my world. And don't get me wrong, I am NOT questioning the justice of it all. I can not ever do that, especially since I don't know what these guys have done. The only thing I know is, that they have been bad. Some of them VERY bad.

I just have seen glimpses of awesomeness in these guys. Glimpses of just scared 16 or 17 year old guys. And I know a little bit of what a maximum or medium security prison is all about. And it scares me to know that these 2 guys are now in prison.

There was so much more I could have and should have told them about Jesus. But I didn't get the chance to do that. I didn't even get a chance to say good bye.

It makes me sad, but I know the God I serve: The God who can fix murder! And I can trust that He is still with the guys in prison now.

In John 17:4 Jesus says that 'He completed the work you (God) gave me to do.' It's an extraordinary statement considering that there were still sick people and still many people who hadn't met him. Yet He says that He COMPLETED the work. But it's about the work that God GAVE him.
So my hope is that I have completed the work in 'my' 2 juvies and that God will send someone else to continue the work that has started. He's cool like that!

Another lesson in trusting God. When have you needed to trust God with people you loved?

Journey vs Trip. Some deep and meaningful stuff here!

The other days I heard an interview with a well-known Christian speaker and in the course of about 5 minutes he used the word 'journey' about 6 times. Talk about overusing a word.

And it dawned on me that in this time 'journey is the new 'in' word for Christian leaders. If you listen to a bunch of Christian leaders you will find that they never go on a trip - they start a journey.

Of course I tweeted that, because it was too obvious and too funny not to. But then I thought that maybe, just maybe, these Christian leaders use the word 'journey' for a reason. Because one hopes that leaders are not just following other leaders blindly in saying and doing stuff just because it sounds 'good' or is the 'in' thing to do. One hopes that leaders influence the people and the culture around them, rather than being influenced by the people and the culture themselves.
So I looked up the words 'journey' and 'trip'.

And as it turns out, those Christian leaders are actually on to something: While a trip is mereley going to a place and returning, a journey is an act of traveling from one place to another.

Well, who knew? (A bunch of Christian leaders obviously...) So of course it makes sense that Christian leaders (and the rest of us God fearing folks) are going on journeys. Because who wants to return to where they started?

And it also makes sense that a 'trip' is often used to describe a drug experience, because once you go on a trip, you get back and you're at exactly the same place where you started. Nothing has changed and you will have to go on a 'trip' again to escape your circumstances. A trips is just an escape of circumstances, rather than a real change in life.

A journey on the other hand takes you into a new environment, a new place. And a journey also suggests that you're not going back - you have left for good.
A journey doesn't automatically mean you're going to love every place you go to. Some of those places are going to be hard and you won't like them. But they are necessary stops on the way and soon enough you will be on your way again. You are not stuck.

This is a very interesting concept to me! You go Christian Leaders! Good on ya for understanding the difference between a trip and a journey! Now if we could only work on not making it sound so cheesy..........

Conversation in Jail - Can Jesus fix murder?

I wish you could meet my juvies and see the things I see.

A couple weeks ago this happened:

'Miss, can Jesus fix murder?'

I was blown away by this question because it was so raw and honest. So much depended on the answer. There was so much fear in it. So many 'what if's'. It was one of the best questions I've ever been asked.

I love that I serve a God who said 'YES' to all of our sin.

What happened next was that I explained again what Jesus has done for us and how it is available to us. And then I saw it...

I saw the guy who had asked the question out of the blue quietly close his eyes and murmur a prayer. He accepted Christ that day.

Thank you Lord for saying YES to us.

the truth about camp or how awesome is cottage cheese?

I went to camp:

• My feet smelled BAD once released from the confines of the sneakers.  
• I ate cottage cheese. every. single. day. 
• I met a bunch of new people (80% of them were junior high age. Seeing as this was a junior high camp with 450+ junior high students, this is ok!)
• I waved my amazing YELLOW blow up 'foam' finger.... (and consequently lost it. Note to self: Do not lend foam fingers to junior high boys)
• I had a mohawk for 'mohawk day'. 
• I spent half a day on the ground waiting for someone to rescue me, because someone had the great idea to have 'attack day' where everybody shoots (pretend) blow darts at you and I just plain out suck at that game and got hit a lot.
• I got wet while kayaking, coz I didn't want to sit in the back. Instead I sat in the middle and almost SUNK the freaking boat. Not a boost for self esteem, but funny nevertheless. 
• I slept in a cabin and was surrounded by lots of dirt, rocks and trees. Some would call it beautiful. I call it nature. 
• I was part of the yellow team. We didn't win. 

It sounds ok, doesn't it? Not great (apart from the cottage cheese) but just ok...

But then you add the God factor. The God factor happens when you present these 450+ junior high students with truth.
The truth about self esteem and what they might see in the mirror (ugly, fat, etc) and how God sees them (beautiful, created with love).
The truth about not having to do everything on your own. Giving up the struggle and trusting God to take it. Surrendering things like drug use or addiction, family problems, peer pressure, alcoholism and more completely to God. (yes, those are all real problems junior high kids struggle with. I suggest you start talking with your kid!)
And the truth about community. The answer to the question of what comes after camp? What happens when I fall back? What happens when I get abused again? 

When you add the God factor to camp it takes camp from ok to mind blowingly great. It makes cottage cheese fade into the background and helps me see the students for who they are. And it gives me hope for this next generation. They can change the world. They will tell others about Jesus. As long as I will tell them! 

Violence in Jail

So it finally happened.
An outburst of violence in the jail while I was there. It had to happen once. Now it did.
It wasn't directed at me or even any other person. The door took a beating. But if the officer wouldn't have responded so quickly it could have been 'someone' instead of the door.

I realised during my lesson that something was up. 3 of my juvies were VERY distracted. And once they were dismissed and on their way to the room they started to 'sort it out'.

Honestly? It was a bit scary. Not because I was in any danger (I wasn't). But because it showed me what these guys are capable of and it reminds me why they are in there.

Has anything changed? No. I still love hanging with them and know I am safe as long as I abide by the rules of the facility. This was just a good reminder.

Conversations in Jail - Jesus

How do I help my juvies understand how much Jesus loves them?
How do I make them understand how blessed I feel because I can spend time with them every week?

Their understanding of Jesus and Faith is basic at best. 3 months ago one of the worship songs had the word 'Hosanna' in it and they asked 'Miss, who's Hosanna?'

Every time I tell them that I KNOW people who would want to spend time with them and help them be successful they say 'Miss, who would want to spend time with us? We are criminals?'

There are so many things that make it hard to talk about Jesus. (One is, that they keep on calling me 'Miss')

But every few weeks I lay it out there. Every few weeks it's not about living a different life, but it's about the person who gives us life.

This was one of the weeks.

We talked about sin and how ALL sin separates us from God. No matter how big or small. In that way sin is sin and we are all the same before God.
We talked about the difference of consequence for some sins. Stealing a car and running a red light are a little different in consequences.
Then we talked about how God says that there is not one righteous person.

This was to lay the ground work. To help them understand that ALL sin separates us from God.

Then I moved on to what God has done for us. How He sent Jesus for 'WHOEVER'. I talked about who a whoever is.
We talked about what love is and that God loved us first. And how He's not insecure, so that if you don't love Him right now, He's not gonna sit in a corner and cry. But He's still gonna love you.

And then we talked about the 'now what?'. The fact that God wants to change their lives NOW and not when they get out. That is the hardest thing for me to explain and for them to get. I don't speak from experience here, but I know that they can do it!

They CAN do the hard things instead of just coasting (not swearing for a day!)
They CAN be an example in speech, in conduct, in faith in purity.. (1. Timothy 4:12).

You know what was weird? Usually during my talks (they are a bit of a hybrid between a talk and a small group) there are lots of interruptions. Comments, tangents, jokes.... There are a lot of things going on and often I have a hard time keeping their attentions.

But when I did this talk the room was eerily quiet. They all seemed to listen. There was no joking, no questions, no tangents. They just listened. They looked at me and listened.

And suddenly I had that hope again. The hope that God HAS a future and a hope for them. And that it's good. The hope that I will see some of them on the outside and see them succeed. Hope that I am not alone in this. But God is always right there.

I needed that.

Conversations in jail - Dads

This was not a conversation, but more an observation of the atmosphere...

When I go in to talk with my juvies I show them a DVD of the service from Central Christian Church. I only show them the worship, and then do a hybrid of a talk and small group myself afterwards, going along with whatever series is going on in our Junior High and High School environments at church.

But the worship is on DVD. Even though worship is definitely not their preferred style of music, they actually manage to sit through it quietly and every now and then I can even hear them 'sing' a word of two.

This time the worship included a description of how the worship leader spends time with his daughter before going to bed. They hang out and sing a few songs together in her room. Quite a special moment for both of them.

During this story everybody in the room got quiet. (There's usually some chatter going on). And I realised that this story struck a chord with them.

I don't know their stories, their families or what they've done. But I think I know enough to suspect that many of them did not have a Dad like that in their life. A dad who would have a special place and a special moment with them when they were little.

Or even when they were older.

The 'special' moments they've had were with their older brothers when they got introduced to gang members and were allowed to do little errands to earn trust.

Of course not every Dad has the time to do what that worship leader was talking about. But I think every Dad should make time to have that special moment or special activity together.

The special moments I remember with my Dad were at Christmas. My Mum prepared everything downstairs and Dad played with me and my brother upstairs, until Mum was ready.
Or the times during summer when my Dad, my brother and me played soccer after dinner.

My Dad wasn't able to do something every day. But he did stuff with us that only he could do (love my Mum, but she can't kick a ball for the life of her!)

So my prayer for my juvies is that God would help them to see Him. And that they would be able to have a special moment or a special activity with God. I've learned that God sometimes uses our parents to care for us, sometimes He uses other people and sometimes He just does it himself.

Since my juvies are kind of restricted by their location and the rules of their location I pray that God would do it Himself! :)

Conversations in jail - fights

Sometimes I ask my juvies questions and I am blown away by the honesty of their answer....

The latest one went like that:

Me: You guys like to see girls fight???
Them: Yes! It's HOT.
Me: REALLY?? You think that's attractive? As in, you would LIKE to go out with a girl who is not afraid to fight another girl???
Them: Heck yes!
Me: ..... 

Of course I had heard that before that guys think that. But it was more like a rumor to me. But to hear it from a bunch of guys (they ALL agreed) and to hear them talk about it so excitedly was kind of shocking to me.

The day before I was at a BBQ and was mucking around with one of the Junior High Boys. He took it one step further and proceeded to start hitting me with his bandana (like the kitchen towel fights). About 2.5 seconds after he started I heard one of the leaders tell him to stop. Reason? Because you don't hit ladies!

You might smile at that, but I was so thankful that someone was looking out for me. (Of course I could have taken on this 6th grade boy... But anybody could have! That is not the point!)
And I was super thankful that there is still this value of treating girls like girls.

Looking at my juvies I wish someone would have been there for them to tell them not to hit girl, not to hurt others, to respect life and even to be able to walk away and still have dignity.

I wish someone would have told them that their identity is not rooted in how many people they hurt or how many guns they have. But that their identity SHOULD be rooted in who they are in Christ. And that there are people around them who want to help them find that.

Like that leader who over the next 3 years will pour his life into that 6th grade boy to help him become a man. A man who will respect girls and who will pick girls that respect others as well.

One day your 6th grade boy or girl might be play fighting with a bandana. But if no one helps them to understand some boundaries I might get to hang out with them at jail. And I don't want that.

Conversations in jail - Names

My Juvies... I wish you could all meet them! They are incredible to me, make me smile, laugh and feel like I know a little better how God feels when we 'don't get it'.

I've told you before that I've been trying to learn names and that these guys sometimes give me their street names, rather than anything their parents may know them by. 

For me, it's ok to call them whatever they tell me I should call them as long as a) it's not offensive and b) they listen when I say 'their name'. 

The breakthrough came a few weeks back when some of them gave me their real name. That's a big deal for them. 

Names are powerful. We see that already in the Bible where names hold a certain meaning about the life of the individual. 

Names give us identity and therefore these guys like their street names. It's their identity. It's what they are known by, by their friends and also by their enemies. If they know how to handle themselves in tricky situations, then their street name carries importance and makes them feared by others. 

And that is also why giving me their real name is a sign of trust. And it makes me excited every time it happens. 

Today it didn't happen. I tried to learn all their names again and couldn't for the life of me remember the name of one of the guys. So they started 'helping' me. 

In the end, he 'suggested' to be called 'smurf' (They all wear blue!). I warned him that that's what I will call him unless he tells me his name (street name or real thing) and he decided smurf was ok with him. 

So I called him 'Smurf' the whole lesson long. And I grew quite fond of calling him that. And I think he did too! This might be the first 'cute' street name ever. 

I hope he keeps it! 

Good night Smurf! Hope you know how much Jesus Loves you! 

When you find a cool website...

you should share it... 
So I'm doing it...


Click here to read this report


It's a really cool photo report about juvenile detention in the US. Makes me think. 

What got these kids to those places? Not as in, what crime. But what was their home life like?Did they ever have someone who cared enough to actually set breakfast out on a table, with cutlery and plates and stuff? Did someone tell them that they are loved?How were they talked to? Was there yelling in almost every sentence?  

 Why did they mess up so bad?

This is why I love going into the juvenile detention center and talking to them about Jesus and how he took their sentence. He took everything they deserved. 

Grace - getting something we don't deserve

And how can we stop youths from getting into 'the system'? The question I'm asking myself is 'What can I do to give these youths a chance to hear about Christ and to feel loved?


Here's a chart from that website that also made me think:

That really makes me think about the great need of teaching, mentoring and CARING long before these kids become criminal.


What do you think?

A Story of Grace

I wish I could learn it...
The art of shutting up. Of not having an opinion and just going with the flow.

See, I was given a second chance. Nobody had to give me a second chance. But they did. 

I was in a situation where I felt super uncomfortable and didn't want to be there. Yet, I couldn't get out of it. And I became negative. Actually you can probably call it bitter and twisted. 
I was pretty lost in my misery, but I didn't think it really affected anybody else.
And then someone came and talked to me. Pretty bluntly.

'Hey, people are pretty much counting the days of when you're going to leave. Nobody wants to really be around you, because you're so negative.'

I broke down, because it hurt. But no matter how much it hurt, I also knew he was right and that I had a choice. I could sink deeper in my self pity and misery (because, let's face it: Life was treating me unfairly) or I could snap out of it, ask for forgiveness and when it comes time to leave, I actually leave with people I will miss and who might miss me. 

I am pretty proud to say that I did exactly that! I left with friends. People who genuinely like me, knew I had struggled, but forgave me for being (excuse the language) an ass. 

This is one of my stories of grace... Of second chances. Undeserved, yet given. 

Why ....

Ok, truth? 

There are days when I wonder why I do what I do...

And then I click on this link and remember....

God Behind Bars in Oklahoma

A start

RUSH -Rewriting Ur Story Here

Rush is the youth version of God Behind Bars. The idea? Introducing young inmates to Christ by providing a top of the line, relevant worship experience for them; helping them to overcome hurts, habits and hang-ups in their lives by providing Christ centered youth recovery groups and helping them to move forward after they get out by providing mentors in their life. 


So last Saturday was the first time we ran RUSH at the county jail. The jail now has a youth unit with between 15-25 young people who are waiting for their trial. 


20 of them showed up that day. 
Voluntarily.
With lots of questions.
Some of them knowing nothing about Christ. 


It was a challenge, but totally worth it. I thought the worship time was going to be awkward. And it was. And yet after about 10 minutes the awkwardness lifted and they were staring at the screen, taking in the music. 


I thought the games were going to be awkward, but they weren't! I just asked them questions about life. What do you like better? Beach or Pool? (Beach) NYC or LA (LA). 


And then the message. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do a normal message. There was no way that they would let me talk uninterrupted for like 15 minutes. 


It went well in the end. I was able to talk to them about who Jesus is, why He is important and what He's done for us. At one point I got a little nervous, because I knew it was time to finish soon and with all their questions in the middle I couldn't move past the point of 'We all SUCK! We've ALL been bad and deserve death!'
You can imagine my slight panic as I knew I had to keep going no matter how many questions I had to ignore... And I'm happy to report that I did it! Left them with hope that is! We all deserve death, but that's why Jesus came..


Amazing night. To be repeated. Every Saturday! :)


Pray for me!?

Economically challenged...

The coffee shop was almost empty, but he was still there. What are the odds of running into the same person over and over again?

Last week I met him at the restaurant, the week before he happened to be at my house, and the week before that, someone had invited him to come to my birthday party. It's not that I minded having him there.

He was a really nice guy, with black unmanageable hair, tall and lanky and forever wearing jeans. He had the best deep voice ever which made listening to him actually fun. It was always nice to talk with him, figure out what his take is on stuff. He seems to really care about everything that's going on. It's a little freaky at times. But it's also what makes him approachable and fun.

As I was walking into the coffee shop I stopped at his table and chatted for a minute.'What's going on with you' he asked. 'Nothing much' I replied, the standard reply these days. 'Yeah right' he smiled.I went up front to get my coffee. With the coffee in hand I started to look for a good place to sit and just let the day go past. It had been one of those days and the only thing I wanted to do was to relax, drink coffee and not think about the stuff going on in my life.

There was a comfy chair open right next to him and I asked if he would mind if I sat there. He looked up from his computer, almost puzzled to still see me.
'Go ahead. I wish you would' he said and smiled.
Then he got right back into whatever he was doing on the computer.

I settled into my chair and took out my handy dandy journal. It helped me work through stuff if I wrote it down and for the next half hour I was furiously writing whatever came to my mind. The stuff with my family, my friends, disappointments with un-kept promises... It all seemed so messy.

After half an hour I looked up and found him looking at me. 'What?' I said almost irritated.
'You ok?' he asked. 'You seem sad. A lot going on right now eh?'
I sighed. 'Yeah. It all seems so messy and out of my control. I wish I could do stuff, but there's nothing. I tried.'
'I know how that feels' he said and I could only imagine.
In his position I would have probably given up. The fact that he was sitting here chatting with me was a miracle, considering I was sure that his computer probably demanded his attention ten times more.
Come to think of it, his phone had gone off at least 3 times since we started the chat and not once had he looked down to check who was calling or texting him. I remembered how much I hated it when my friend looked at his phone, rather than me in the middle of a conversation.I began to tell him more of the details of what was going on. He listened, looked at me and seemed so concerned for me. It felt good. My family was far away and a lot of my friends had so much going on, that I didn't want to bother them with my stuff as well. But I missed this. This feeling of being taken care of. The feeling that there is someone who listens.
Even though I was pretty sure nothing was going to change the situation right now. But he cared and that's all that counts.

We ended up talking for almost an hour. He never once looked at his phone or the computer, even though both were furiously ringing and dinging, demanding his attention. I had told him several times that he could take it if he needed to, but he insisted that he would get to it in due time.

I stood up to leave and we hugged. 'Hang in there girl. Don't give up. I'm with you in this, ok?' I smiled.
'I know, Jesus. Thank you. It's always good to talk to you. See ya around?!'


I was still smiling when I finally left the coffee shop. So glad I met him there.

'Better to ask for forgiveness than permission...'

You don't even want to know how many times I've heard that phrase. At first I still thought it was funny. 


And then it happened to me. I was the one being asked for forgiveness. 


And it happened again. And again. And again. 


And I have to forgive. That's what Jesus calls us to. 


But I hated that I was being walked all over. There was no respect, no working things out. It felt like people were just using me to get where they wanted to be. And there was nothing I could do. 


I really wanted to lash out and sometimes I did. But in general I held back, because... 'hurt people hurt people'. 


I agree that there are times when that general principle happens. But shouldn’t it be an accident, rather than planned? If you know you will have to ask for forgiveness later, doesn’t that mean you’re KNOWINGLY sinning?


So I better remember that before I just jump on the train, forget about my convictions and do the same thing just to get where I want to be. 


Because let's face it: I WANT to do the same thing. It's easy, it's a short cut and others should forgive me, right? 


But God's shown me that it's not right. Not for me. 


Ugh.