Adoption vs guardianship

The other week I was very privileged to be present at an adoption. It was my first time and it was very memorable.
The main part of the 15 minute ceremony is a list of questions:

• Do you believe this is in the best interest of the child?
• Can you provide for the child?
• Are you aware that the child will have the same rights as any of your natural born children?....

That last question makes you think, doesn't it? When we talk about adoption it is permanent. There's no way out, you can't back out or change your mind.

This is it.....

Working with High Risk Students I sometimes wish that these questions would be asked of people wanting to become parents?

• Do you believe THIS family would be in the best interest of your future child?
• Can you actually provide for your future child?

I've just witnessed the devastation that guardianship can have in a child's life. It is NOT permanent and at any time the child might hear these words:

'I am done! I have wasted 15 years with him/her. He/She treats us like crap and doesn't respect our home at all. And on top of that He/She is not even my real kid. It's just a step kid. I AM DONE.'

The sad thing is, that I am not making this up. I heard those words come out of someone's mouth right in front of their child. His/Her security was gone that moment. What do you think went through her mind.

Guardianship is NOT permanent and I don't even know how this child will deal with what was said.

Looking at faith, I am SO glad that God adopted us as His children. It's permanent. He's stuck with us... It gives me security.

What are your thoughts?

So the other day..

I saw something and it broke my heart.
Every now and then I deal with celebrities. Not super famous ones, but yet famous in their world. And a little while ago I was at an event with a couple.
The guy is the one that's fairly famous, but everybody knows they come together. They have been married forever and she's definitely a leader in her own right. But because he's the 'famous' one, she gets to 'sit in the back'.

It wasn't a big event and he only spoke for a couple of minutes. But during this time I saw her disappear into the back and watch from there.
When people asked to take photos she would step out of the photo, because people just wanted a picture with him.
She didn't get to say anything, probably because nobody really asked her to.

It broke my heart. This is one cool lady and I was super happy that she was there. But I couldn't believe what we had done. And really, what we are doing.

Now don't get me wrong, I definitely struggle with people who are just riding on their husband's or wife's celebrity status. I feel that we all have something to give and I want to see you make the effort.
But it can't be that we just about ignore the spouse who just happens to be 'less famous'. It can't be that they are invisible to us.

We all are humans. And we all deserve respect and deserve to not be forgotten or invisible. So the next time you're at an event and the spouse is out of the picture, invite them back into the picture! They deserve to be there!

So, the other day...

I went to prison to talk to my juvies... Now, usually I love that time, but things have been super busy, somewhat stressful and that day my trip to the prison just felt like one more thing on a long list of things I had to do... I wasn't into it...

But of course I went... They expect me there and they wait for me. A proven fact, as that day I walked in and one of the officers saw me and said 'Oh good, you are here. They were all worried that you weren't going to come tonight.'

That night I had more of the guys come out than ever before. I am limited by space and can only take a certain amount... And I only had 3 open seats left.

We'd been talking a lot about identity. One of the youth pastors at Central Christian Church had recorded a series of talks on identity and it's been really great seeing these 'kids' wrestle with real stuff in their lives and come up with questions and even some answers.
That night was the last part of the series and it was about passing it on. We talked for quite a while about how we all have gifts and skills that we can use NOW to help others. We even talked about respecting others and how that needs to include the officers. (They like to brush right past that!)

It was a great night and even though I certainly 'wasn't feeling it' when I set out to go, I was so glad I came.
As I was walking out, waiting for my escort, the bubble officer (the guy that sits up top and I really have hardly any contact with him) talked to me through the port (little loudspeaker by the door).
'Hey Mam!'
Me: 'Yeah???' (thinking: What have I done wrong?)
Him: 'Hey, you're a doing a good thing there! Keep doing what you're doing!'

Now, I don't go to prison because I get a pat on the shoulder, but on days like this it was such an encouragement to know that I've made that right choice. Hardly ever have I heard officers say encouraging things like that. And especially not just through the port. That was amazing!

So glad to be part of God Behind Bars!

It's not your fault...

It's not your fault. 

But it is your problem. 

Let me explain:
You are booked on a flight. The flight gets cancelled due to mechanical issues with the plane.

It's not your fault. But it's still your problem. 

Now translate that into the life of an 'average' student here in Las Vegas. Let's just look at ONE aspect of their life. Are you ready?

Parents are split up. 

What's the big deal? Well, let's look at that situation (which is NOT AT ALL their fault, and yet it is still their problem.

These students often have to deal with moving twice every week to a different house and neighborhood.  

They have to deal with 2 completely different set of rules in each house. Most likely one is more relaxed than the other. 

They also have to pretend that these aspects of their lives are fine. If they don't, they run the chance of losing whatever contact they had with one parent.  

They have to deal with the fact that most likely the parents are not able to hide their anger and disgust with each other well. 

I reckon that these students have to deal with a lot. And yet, none of this is actually their fault. 

So it comes with no surprise to me that some students are not that good at dealing with all those issues.

While we can't fix all the problems in the world, we could do well in helping students understand that there are things in their lives that are not their fault and then help them navigate through their problems.

It just means we are there for them. 

We do life together. 

We encourage them when things are hard 

and cheer for them when things go well. 

In the words of a famous show manufacturer: Just do it!

Inspired

I am blown away by people who care for and love students. 

There are those that care for and love students by volunteering their time (energy) at youth groups, Boys and Girls Clubs and all kinds of things. These people are amazing. They want to hang out; pass on and just give to students who are still in the process of navigating life. 

Then there are those that care for and love students by *volunteering* their entire life. That's called Foster Care these days. I know a bunch of people who do this and it takes a lot of commitment. It's about finding the balance between being a parent (that you're not) and being a friend (that you shouldn't be). 

Can you see the potential awesomeness if you mix and match the two? Can you see that ALL students would benefit from having some kind of non parental mentor person in their life. Not a friend and not a parent. 

And every student would benefit from living in a stable environment with loving guidelines and disciplines and some sort of structure. 

It's not that one is better than another. It's about actually doing it! Just taking the time and caring for someone who hasn't yet learned how to ask for help. 

In the end it's all about giving back in the area that you're most passionate about. It's always about giving back...

And yes, I totally googled awkward family photos. :)

Why it sucks to be a single girl in this modern world

I'm a girl. I'm single. And I'm a leader. 

And those 3 things combined are frustrating. 

I want to learn; I want to be mentored, discipled and led to places that I have not been before, so that I can lead others there.

What's your big deal you ask? Well... I'm a single girl and a leader and I'm in the Christian world. 

I'm very much surrounded by great leaders. Some of them are women and some of them are men. The problem for me is, that a lot of the leaders who are where I would like to be, are men.

Men in the Christian world have set up boundaries. They are there for their safety and the safety of their families (and those boundaries SHOULD be in place).

But those boundaries also mean that men won't spend any one-on-one time with me. I will not ever be invited to go along on a business trip to get mentored and even going to a conference is hard, unless there's more than one girl going.

Those boundaries are important for the leader who set them up, but they don't really serve me. (and they are not designed to!)

And of course the boundaries are also there, because someone of my gender has messed up before and now even driving in a car together can look sketchy.

All good reasons, but I can't stop feeling like 

I'm getting punished for something I didn't do!

And please understand that I don't want the boundaries removed! I'm a big fan of boundaries, marriages and kids growing up in one house with 2 parents. I don't want to EVER jeopardize that.

But I want to start a conversation and see if others have run into this. And how did you solve it? (I'm interested to hear from everyone, but especially from single women in leadership... It can't be, that the solution to this would be marriage!)

Oh, but what about getting mentored and discipled by women leaders, you say? Well, what a quaint idea... That would be splendid. But a lot of women leaders in my world are leading... Well, women specific stuff.

There are women in leadership who help women through marriage and family stuff. Or women who are struggling to find their own identity, because their husband is some big wig leader.

I just don't have (those kind) of identity issues. I just want to know how to lead a group of people (guys and girls), how to run an organisation, how to be more strategic and how to network. 

There's no real solution to this problem. But it's surprising how in this modern world, where people pretend that guys and girls are equal, I find myself stuck. That whole equality stuff is a bunch of bogus it seems. 

What am I going to do? I think I will look outside of my Christian world to see if I can find women leaders who are already doing what I want to do. And I will somehow try to creep make a way into their world and figure things out.

And yes, I will continue to read books, listen to podcasts and hang out as much as I can - without jeopardizing anyone's family - with people that inspire me to be a better leader.

Have you run into any of those problems before? And what were your solutions? And do you know any single women in leadership that I should try and connect with?

Oh, and if anybody has connections with Angela Merkel, let me know! That would be a fascinating conversation. :)

the truth about camp or how awesome is cottage cheese?

I went to camp:

• My feet smelled BAD once released from the confines of the sneakers.  
• I ate cottage cheese. every. single. day. 
• I met a bunch of new people (80% of them were junior high age. Seeing as this was a junior high camp with 450+ junior high students, this is ok!)
• I waved my amazing YELLOW blow up 'foam' finger.... (and consequently lost it. Note to self: Do not lend foam fingers to junior high boys)
• I had a mohawk for 'mohawk day'. 
• I spent half a day on the ground waiting for someone to rescue me, because someone had the great idea to have 'attack day' where everybody shoots (pretend) blow darts at you and I just plain out suck at that game and got hit a lot.
• I got wet while kayaking, coz I didn't want to sit in the back. Instead I sat in the middle and almost SUNK the freaking boat. Not a boost for self esteem, but funny nevertheless. 
• I slept in a cabin and was surrounded by lots of dirt, rocks and trees. Some would call it beautiful. I call it nature. 
• I was part of the yellow team. We didn't win. 

It sounds ok, doesn't it? Not great (apart from the cottage cheese) but just ok...

But then you add the God factor. The God factor happens when you present these 450+ junior high students with truth.
The truth about self esteem and what they might see in the mirror (ugly, fat, etc) and how God sees them (beautiful, created with love).
The truth about not having to do everything on your own. Giving up the struggle and trusting God to take it. Surrendering things like drug use or addiction, family problems, peer pressure, alcoholism and more completely to God. (yes, those are all real problems junior high kids struggle with. I suggest you start talking with your kid!)
And the truth about community. The answer to the question of what comes after camp? What happens when I fall back? What happens when I get abused again? 

When you add the God factor to camp it takes camp from ok to mind blowingly great. It makes cottage cheese fade into the background and helps me see the students for who they are. And it gives me hope for this next generation. They can change the world. They will tell others about Jesus. As long as I will tell them! 

Conversations in jail - Dads

This was not a conversation, but more an observation of the atmosphere...

When I go in to talk with my juvies I show them a DVD of the service from Central Christian Church. I only show them the worship, and then do a hybrid of a talk and small group myself afterwards, going along with whatever series is going on in our Junior High and High School environments at church.

But the worship is on DVD. Even though worship is definitely not their preferred style of music, they actually manage to sit through it quietly and every now and then I can even hear them 'sing' a word of two.

This time the worship included a description of how the worship leader spends time with his daughter before going to bed. They hang out and sing a few songs together in her room. Quite a special moment for both of them.

During this story everybody in the room got quiet. (There's usually some chatter going on). And I realised that this story struck a chord with them.

I don't know their stories, their families or what they've done. But I think I know enough to suspect that many of them did not have a Dad like that in their life. A dad who would have a special place and a special moment with them when they were little.

Or even when they were older.

The 'special' moments they've had were with their older brothers when they got introduced to gang members and were allowed to do little errands to earn trust.

Of course not every Dad has the time to do what that worship leader was talking about. But I think every Dad should make time to have that special moment or special activity together.

The special moments I remember with my Dad were at Christmas. My Mum prepared everything downstairs and Dad played with me and my brother upstairs, until Mum was ready.
Or the times during summer when my Dad, my brother and me played soccer after dinner.

My Dad wasn't able to do something every day. But he did stuff with us that only he could do (love my Mum, but she can't kick a ball for the life of her!)

So my prayer for my juvies is that God would help them to see Him. And that they would be able to have a special moment or a special activity with God. I've learned that God sometimes uses our parents to care for us, sometimes He uses other people and sometimes He just does it himself.

Since my juvies are kind of restricted by their location and the rules of their location I pray that God would do it Himself! :)

Conversations in jail - fights

Sometimes I ask my juvies questions and I am blown away by the honesty of their answer....

The latest one went like that:

Me: You guys like to see girls fight???
Them: Yes! It's HOT.
Me: REALLY?? You think that's attractive? As in, you would LIKE to go out with a girl who is not afraid to fight another girl???
Them: Heck yes!
Me: ..... 

Of course I had heard that before that guys think that. But it was more like a rumor to me. But to hear it from a bunch of guys (they ALL agreed) and to hear them talk about it so excitedly was kind of shocking to me.

The day before I was at a BBQ and was mucking around with one of the Junior High Boys. He took it one step further and proceeded to start hitting me with his bandana (like the kitchen towel fights). About 2.5 seconds after he started I heard one of the leaders tell him to stop. Reason? Because you don't hit ladies!

You might smile at that, but I was so thankful that someone was looking out for me. (Of course I could have taken on this 6th grade boy... But anybody could have! That is not the point!)
And I was super thankful that there is still this value of treating girls like girls.

Looking at my juvies I wish someone would have been there for them to tell them not to hit girl, not to hurt others, to respect life and even to be able to walk away and still have dignity.

I wish someone would have told them that their identity is not rooted in how many people they hurt or how many guns they have. But that their identity SHOULD be rooted in who they are in Christ. And that there are people around them who want to help them find that.

Like that leader who over the next 3 years will pour his life into that 6th grade boy to help him become a man. A man who will respect girls and who will pick girls that respect others as well.

One day your 6th grade boy or girl might be play fighting with a bandana. But if no one helps them to understand some boundaries I might get to hang out with them at jail. And I don't want that.

Conversations in jail - Names

My Juvies... I wish you could all meet them! They are incredible to me, make me smile, laugh and feel like I know a little better how God feels when we 'don't get it'.

I've told you before that I've been trying to learn names and that these guys sometimes give me their street names, rather than anything their parents may know them by. 

For me, it's ok to call them whatever they tell me I should call them as long as a) it's not offensive and b) they listen when I say 'their name'. 

The breakthrough came a few weeks back when some of them gave me their real name. That's a big deal for them. 

Names are powerful. We see that already in the Bible where names hold a certain meaning about the life of the individual. 

Names give us identity and therefore these guys like their street names. It's their identity. It's what they are known by, by their friends and also by their enemies. If they know how to handle themselves in tricky situations, then their street name carries importance and makes them feared by others. 

And that is also why giving me their real name is a sign of trust. And it makes me excited every time it happens. 

Today it didn't happen. I tried to learn all their names again and couldn't for the life of me remember the name of one of the guys. So they started 'helping' me. 

In the end, he 'suggested' to be called 'smurf' (They all wear blue!). I warned him that that's what I will call him unless he tells me his name (street name or real thing) and he decided smurf was ok with him. 

So I called him 'Smurf' the whole lesson long. And I grew quite fond of calling him that. And I think he did too! This might be the first 'cute' street name ever. 

I hope he keeps it! 

Good night Smurf! Hope you know how much Jesus Loves you! 

Dear Future Me

So how is life? I wonder about a few things and hope you can answer some of my questions:

1: Have you ever found out why Ellen and Oprah were so freaking famous earlier on? I just can't get why people watch them or what it is that makes them famous. Do people even know who they were?

2: Has anybody been working on a device (or a food) that would enable us to lift ourselves up with our own farts? Still thinking there are some new sports out there, like human air hockey.

3: Has alcohol-free beer really stuck around? It seems weird since you could just have a coke instead of an alcoholic drink.

4: Has anybody invented a wooden chair that actually works? Or one that would be worth fixing? (remember how you 'fixed' those antique chairs? Yeah, they never worked again.

5: If you're still using mobile phones, has anybody managed to improve the battery life yet? I mean, they figured out how to make it smaller, then bigger again, then more apps, better call quality (not really), better plan... But no one worked on the battery...

6: if you're still in the USA, do they still have the normal light bulbs? And do they still insist on using toilet seat covers? What about free refills on sodas? (now that's a GREAT thing). And what about those HUGE cars?

These are all things I would love to find out. But the most important thing I want to know is if you managed to stick close to God and tell as many people as you can about Him. Remember how you wanted to go deeper with Him? Experience more adventures, talk to more people? You better have done that by now, Future Me. Remember how Jesus needs to be the center of your life. Maybe a lot of things have changed. Some for the better, some for the worst. But, Furture Me, hear me: You better have not let go of the one thing that never changes!! You better have a stronger faith, a better understanding of who Jesus is and you better have learned to listen and obey (not the delayed obedience, but the real thing).

Good on ya, Future Me, if you're still hanging with Jesus and sharing Him with others. If NOT, you better get your butt back to Him. And tell Him 'Sorry' from Past Me.

When you find a cool website...

you should share it... 
So I'm doing it...


Click here to read this report


It's a really cool photo report about juvenile detention in the US. Makes me think. 

What got these kids to those places? Not as in, what crime. But what was their home life like?Did they ever have someone who cared enough to actually set breakfast out on a table, with cutlery and plates and stuff? Did someone tell them that they are loved?How were they talked to? Was there yelling in almost every sentence?  

 Why did they mess up so bad?

This is why I love going into the juvenile detention center and talking to them about Jesus and how he took their sentence. He took everything they deserved. 

Grace - getting something we don't deserve

And how can we stop youths from getting into 'the system'? The question I'm asking myself is 'What can I do to give these youths a chance to hear about Christ and to feel loved?


Here's a chart from that website that also made me think:

That really makes me think about the great need of teaching, mentoring and CARING long before these kids become criminal.


What do you think?

My life needs to be about Jesus and people and not about me

That was one of those reminders I needed again. What I do is about people and not about furthering my career. (yes, there are politics, careers and the strive for more in ministry. It's a truth I don't really like, but have to deal with)


For me it always gets back to finding my identity in Jesus, rather in what I do or who people perceive I am. 
Meetings don't make me more important. Meetings (oftentimes) just take me away from hanging out with people who need to hear about Jesus or people I could help to grow deeper in Jesus. 


With some of the people I hang out with I am very much aware that it's not so much about what I say, but rather what I do. Do I hang out? Do I care? Do I flip out at them? 


When I truly find my identity in Christ, I know who I am, I know why I am there and I can truly do what I feel God has called me to do. I don't have to worry about the next step, the next opportunity to move forward, the next time someone acknowledges what I'm doing... I can just do it. the Nike way. The Jesus way. He knew who He was and why He was there. He was not worried. I want to be like that. 


Every year God and me sit down and figure out things. Talk about learning curves, setting challenges, and figuring out the way. At least I like to think so. Last year I learned all about self control, patience (help me!), joy and much more. Each day a reminder on my phone helped me to focus on one area I had to work on. It was fun. Sort of. There were 13 different topics. 


This year there are just 2. Finding my identity in Christ and Fear of the Lord. I fear that this might not be the last time I have to learn about these.


You and me God. Together. Let's do this.